hearing what's not there

I feel like one of the most common ways that my own personal anxieties and struggles in life come from hearing what isn't actually being said, I have a little online journal where I write about my days and my feelings, this is a little excerpt form one of those entries.

"Their words have stuck with me since, some of the first words that echoed in the emptiness, the first things said, as I was trying to forget how dirty I felt, as I was mentally scrubbing every inch of me. The type of dread that filled me up after their words was what silenced me for the first few days following. They were part of the main reason I kept silent for so long. 

I now hear and see them everywhere, every time I talk, I hear their words telling me I am too loud, when I dress I think of their eyes running over my body judgmentally, when I worship, I hear their voice louder. Their presence itself is something that I cannot get rid of, something that has traumatized me, I don't believe that sometimes, but then something happens and the panic that sets in reminds me."

The situation I am talking about in this is something I am not quite willing to share on the blog quite yet (but you can use common sense). But, the gist of this situation is that when someone said something once, it was constantly there, I use the example in my journal of "They used the fact that they were invisible to run some type of messed-up scheme to beat me down until I was nothing more than a pile of dust in a corner, screaming to be anything but what I was."

Personally, I have a hard time letting go of things (obviously), but interestingly enough, the pain people inflict on me is one of the things I can let go, the hurt and the pain inflicted directly on me, just goes away. The words people use though, that is a completely different story. I hear peoples words constantly, they are always around. I am the type of person that if you said something to me once, I will probably lay in bed for hours thinking about the meaning, phonics, and metaphors of what you said. Throughout the past year though, I have definitely gotten consciously better at this. Making sure my brain knows that what people say isn't always what my little brain thinks it means, (he's silly sometimes, you know how it is).

I am constantly reminding myself of the truth of the Gospel, constantly repeating that Jesus loves me more than anything else in this world can, that the Lord made me in HIS own image, that I am a Daughter of the King, adopted into the family of God, because I am loved. You are loved. WE are loved. And that is the best news I have ever received.

I will never be able to fathom why the Creator of the Universe, chose to love me, but it sure as heck makes me drown out the negative voices. I can try to not hear what's not there, by hearing what is. I can lay the words of others down at the Altar of Jesus, asking him to replace them with thoughts of Him, and He will do it. I am amazed by that, every time I go to Him, He will take away my anxieties, and help me reset my eyes and mind on Him.

I think about Matthew 7:7-8 in these situations "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." All I have to do in my anxiety is ask, and that is such a Joy.

We don't have to hear what's not there, because there is a God that says what is True, real, gentle, kind, and loving. What a joy it is that we get to be running in freedom from words, actions, sin inflicted upon us, and what a greater joy to be running in freedom from our own sin! We are free, He has made us free, and I thank him for that.

All in all, the Lord has graciously guided me through this, and I am so grateful for the grace that I receive every time I am battling the goliath of anxiety. Every single time that I step into the arena, I know that I am armed with the most powerful weapon ever, God. And that the battle is already won, only if I trust in Him.

I am writing this, because yesterday I relaunched this, and the anxiety that filled me, of "What will people think? What will they say?" was so overwhelming, that I was checking my phone every thirty seconds. It was only when Will looked at me and said "Why does it matter? You've thought through and prayed about this so much." That it truly hit me. I truly have been thinking and praying about this for MONTHS, and God gave me the same answer every time "Its not about you."

Truly, it isn't about me, this whole thing is for others to see the Lords Goodness THROUGH what He uses me and others as, a vessel. So, it doesn't matter what my worries and anxieties of what others think and say are, there should be only one voice I listen to, Gods. And Praise Him that I get to do this, that He has allowed me to do this. The glory is His, the voice speaking to you should be His. All I want to be is His, and His to use for His Glory, not mine. Nothing else matters, only He does.

My advice to you if you struggle with the same anxiety I do, Run to him, run so hard you don't know if your legs can take you there, never look back, because there are the most loving arms you're going to run into, and when you fall, get back up again, because the love you feel hearing and seeing the things that are in His arms are going to wash peace that makes absolutely no sense over you. And that is so much bigger than the anxiety of hearing what's not there.

I know that this post is really long, so if you read that entire thing, thank you. The Lord has been so good to me in this and I felt the urge to share. I hope it makes sense.

You are loved.

I love you.

Jesus loves you more though.

Thank you Jesus, so much for that.